When Your All Doesn't Feel Enough

Sometimes it isn't...

This past week has been really difficult for me, both personally and professionally. I have been dealing with a lot of exciting projects on one end, but hard family stuff on the other end. In the midst of it all, I am working to get my head back above water.

For the past few days, I have been cynically thinking about the phrase You can have it all, and how it is always ascribed to women (I assume it is because either we expect men to have it all or because we don’t expect men to want it all). Instead of have it all, we should accurately say do it all, since that is what we expect women to do anyway.

There is this intense pressure (shout out to first-born daughters) to be everything for everyone and still find time for ✨self-care✨ even when the world is on fire. Or at least, that is how it feels for me.

I have been on this journey of self-love and I didn’t realize it always had to start with boundaries and saying no. It has been (and still is) a very uncomfortable journey. When you learn that love is sacrifice, you think any boundary is selfish, especially if others around you learned that love is sacrifice.

This past week, I haven’t been good with balance at all. When I wasn’t helping to take care of family, I was working. When I wasn’t doing either of those things, I was trying to find slim hours to catch up on sleep. I didn’t exercise; I ate like crap; and I didn’t spend any recreational time outside. I barely wanted to brush my teeth.

I remember distinctly having a thought before taking a shower: What is the point of taking care of myself right now?

I tell people a lot to take care of loved ones and community from a place of abundance, so your love can overflow from yourself rather than coming from a place of lacking. I was not practicing what I preached, and the lacking definitely caused me to be snippy with others.

I then started thinking about that detrimental phrase women throw around, and I have decided that I don’t want to have it all. I give myself grace and compassion for myself when I can’t work out or I forgot to drink water. I forgive myself for not returning texts or leaving my house after 5pm to be social. Dishes will sometimes be left in the sink. I can NEVER show up for all the areas in my life 100%. I can only try to show up for myself 100%, but give myself forgiveness when I can’t.

All I can do is go after I want as much as I can while prioritizing getting what I need.